the other night k was having a rough time. daylight savings time makes her even more tired and less able to manage the lack of attention she gets in our household. we try to provide her some equity, but it is hard with r's needs. somedays, she is just exhausted. on thursday, she was having a particularly hard time getting it together and had to be reprimanded a few times. i got her into the shower and she sang "Follow the Drinking Gourd" to herself many times. she sounded happy and peaceful. i am not sure if she has been taught that it is a song sung by folks using the underground railroad, or that it is a spiritual, or that it is a protest song. in any case, it provides her a way to enjoy singing and music. she got out of the shower and said "mom, i want to tell you something you won't like." and i told her it was ok to do that. this is the conversation that followed. a conversation that i had had that day with our family physician over coffee (long story) in which we discussed the normalcy of feelings of anger, fear, and sadness played in my mind during the conversation.
k: i don't always love you. sometimes i hate you.
me: that is ok. sometimes you are going to be angry at me and not like what i do or say. that is ok. i will always love you. thanks for telling me.
k: yeah, you are welcome. but sometimes i do not love you.
it felt very honest and an indication of the complexity of a growing self-awareness.
what i feel is remarkable is that she did not blurt it out in any fit of anger. but that she had a calm conversation with me about it afterwards. i am impressed and concerned about her ability or perceived need to hold her emotions in check and not have space for them in our family. when r is so volatile, it is clear that she has learned to not take space for her tantrums in the same way. but i admire that she has those emotions and can articulate them. she never yells them at me. her impulse control is quite remarkable in that way. but she may carry things with her...
earlier in the week we had a conversation in the car that went something like this.
k: mom, when i go home can i be bossy for a little while.
me: sure, you can tell me what to do for 10 minutes.
k: no, i want to boss r.
r: hey! why do you want to boss me? no fair!
me: well if i was the littlest in the family, i would have a hard time and feel that everybody always got to do things i did not and that everybody got to tell me what to do and i never got to tell them. i might also be jealous that i have a big brother who is so cool and gets to do some amazing things. but he always gets to do them first. it might make me feel a little grumpy.
from the backseat, i hear. "yes, that is how i feel. yes."
she did not get to boss him around, but it is clear that the dynamics are getting to her.
on the other side, r is also feeling them.
he is taking a camp that is located in the school where he went to kindergarten.
r: i don't remember the bullies or their names. but i still know that i was bullied and feel it. i don't think that will go away.
me: you might not. but you also get stronger and learn how to be in the world to protect yourself. there are a lot of bullies in life. even more as you grow up. and we want to make sure that you know how to stand up for yourself. it is important to do that.
r: yes. i think i can. but now, only my sister bullies me.
me: well that is not quite the same though i know what you mean. let's think about how she feels.
we discuss how it feels to be little and feel like one is last.
r: i understand better and it helps me think about how she feels. i can try to remember and be different with her. it makes me feel kinder.
me: there is an expression "you never know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes."
r: i did that this morning (laughing, as he had walked around in his dad's shoes.)
r: mom, i like when it is just the two of us. you talk with me and i like it. it is good to get away from grouchiness.
i hope so kiddo.
i am sitting in the school working and waiting for him to finish his next section. we had a wonderful break playing yahtzee and eating a snack. but when i took a break to stretch my legs, i had a hard time containing my anger as i walked around. i cannot stop the rage i feel when i walk into this building. in my imaginary, i can vandalize it. i cannot look at the happy kindergarten artwork, projects, and writings without remembering how poorly my child was treated here. i walked by the lockers and saw the names of his former classmates. it is not an anger at the child or children, but at the principal who allowed these things to happen. this i cannot control. by the way, my imagined acts of violence are directed at his office, not at the children's art.
my children have complex emotional lives that i hope i can adequately nurture.
i had to remind my son today.
me: r, mom works from her frontal cortex. the front of her brain runs the show. she follows reason. so when kids or others are not logical or are emotional, it is sometimes hard for me to understand. you are still moving from the back of your brain to the front. and it is my job to help you do that. but here is also what happens, when i forget or don't understand emotions, i look to you kids to help me understand because that part of my brain does not rule as much. so you have to help me out. some cultures and traditions (bar mitzvah and hindu thread ceremony) help you recognize when the front part of your brain is in charge and you are responsible for your decisions. until then, it is my job to help you learn how to make good decisions.
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