Me to K: Meat is made from animals.
K replies: I know, mom. I know everything.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
wonderosity
sometimes, i find that it is hard for dad and i to be the kind of parents we want to be.
friday night i stayed up too late working and in the morning, i experienced what i tell my children all the time: too little sleep makes you grumpy. dad was also grumpy (though he fell asleep earlier; i might have been contagious). the kids woke up happy but r started testing us and not listening while playing on the stairs. since it was a safety issue and we pointed this out to him right away, we ended up raising our voices. it led to me lifting him off the stairs as he, at his snail's pace, kept doing what he wanted. this led to crying. i comforted him while trying to explain why it is important that he listen. nevertheless both parents were less patient after this.
what i forget to do when such things happen is look to how much growth there has been and what that growth means. he was clearly testing our boundaries and also wanting to do what he wants. the latter is something that seems to get harder to curtail as he gets older because we have increased our expectations of both kids. of course we have; they continue to grow. but we are not always able to remark on or appreciate the growth as our expectations continue to increase.
on halloween, we went trick or treating. both kids wanted to dress up and wanted to walk around in the neighborhood showing off their costumes to the neighbors. r was chatty as usual and demonstrated his flashing lights to everyone. what dad and i did not do is to sit back and wonder at the growth over the last year. 1) we went trick or treating for 20 minutes, unlike the previous year where we went to 2-3 houses. both children wanted to participate in the social ritual. (and it was interesting to note that r clearly did not know the protocol of how many pieces, choosing which ones, etc.) 2) both were excited about candy. while there are certainly preferred candies for both, that they (especially r) are interested in eating them is pretty amazing. we forget that this desire is new. we already take it for granted. 3) our children know how to negotiate. trading their undesirable candy and learning the rules of which candy they get, not to mention counting the individual pieces of candy was all part of the follow-up the next morning.
halloween is not necessarily a great holiday, but what i value is in watching the children learn its pleasures, pleasures that were unavailable to them last year. what i have to remember, is to "measure" or note the changes in how they achieve their pleasures. instead, for whatever reasons, both dad and i are likely to pay attention to the difficulties posed by my first anecdote instead. what we are sometimes missing is what parents of children with disabilities may do more explicitly -- note and celebrate the wonders. our inability to do this is precisely because we worry, we worry about ability to cope, listen, manage. our concerns are valid and important. but i am certain that we also miss out on some of the joy when we don' focus on the wonder and joy.
we can deduce a few things from the examples above. the first is that they are children; they will frustrate and delight us. we should try to focus on the latter. the second is about our expectations. sometimes, they, like all human beings, will exceed our expectations when we least expect them to, and other times, not meet them. we do need to keep them safe; but more importantly, we may need to (help them) recognize and nurture their abilities.
friday night i stayed up too late working and in the morning, i experienced what i tell my children all the time: too little sleep makes you grumpy. dad was also grumpy (though he fell asleep earlier; i might have been contagious). the kids woke up happy but r started testing us and not listening while playing on the stairs. since it was a safety issue and we pointed this out to him right away, we ended up raising our voices. it led to me lifting him off the stairs as he, at his snail's pace, kept doing what he wanted. this led to crying. i comforted him while trying to explain why it is important that he listen. nevertheless both parents were less patient after this.
what i forget to do when such things happen is look to how much growth there has been and what that growth means. he was clearly testing our boundaries and also wanting to do what he wants. the latter is something that seems to get harder to curtail as he gets older because we have increased our expectations of both kids. of course we have; they continue to grow. but we are not always able to remark on or appreciate the growth as our expectations continue to increase.
on halloween, we went trick or treating. both kids wanted to dress up and wanted to walk around in the neighborhood showing off their costumes to the neighbors. r was chatty as usual and demonstrated his flashing lights to everyone. what dad and i did not do is to sit back and wonder at the growth over the last year. 1) we went trick or treating for 20 minutes, unlike the previous year where we went to 2-3 houses. both children wanted to participate in the social ritual. (and it was interesting to note that r clearly did not know the protocol of how many pieces, choosing which ones, etc.) 2) both were excited about candy. while there are certainly preferred candies for both, that they (especially r) are interested in eating them is pretty amazing. we forget that this desire is new. we already take it for granted. 3) our children know how to negotiate. trading their undesirable candy and learning the rules of which candy they get, not to mention counting the individual pieces of candy was all part of the follow-up the next morning.
halloween is not necessarily a great holiday, but what i value is in watching the children learn its pleasures, pleasures that were unavailable to them last year. what i have to remember, is to "measure" or note the changes in how they achieve their pleasures. instead, for whatever reasons, both dad and i are likely to pay attention to the difficulties posed by my first anecdote instead. what we are sometimes missing is what parents of children with disabilities may do more explicitly -- note and celebrate the wonders. our inability to do this is precisely because we worry, we worry about ability to cope, listen, manage. our concerns are valid and important. but i am certain that we also miss out on some of the joy when we don' focus on the wonder and joy.
we can deduce a few things from the examples above. the first is that they are children; they will frustrate and delight us. we should try to focus on the latter. the second is about our expectations. sometimes, they, like all human beings, will exceed our expectations when we least expect them to, and other times, not meet them. we do need to keep them safe; but more importantly, we may need to (help them) recognize and nurture their abilities.
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