bullying

am so proud of my sister. as you know, we have spent lots of time thinking about, coping with, and addressing bullying.
she is working on a policy for addressing bullying via human rights.
go seema!

a good sunday

kids pretending to be dolphins, pride parade, snorkel practice in the pool, malts-grilled cheese-and fries, angry birds and zoo story, kids sleeping, napping partner, laundry, laundry, CSA salad all by ourselves in a quiet home.

almost 5

the summer solstice has come and gone. and another season of growth is visible.

k is chatty, in her own self-description. constantly talking and engaged. so much more confident in many domains -- swimming, conversation, school, and play. it is nice to see her continue to grow in her comfort zones. we are reminded again and again of how different she is within spaces that are familiar and spaces that are not. we have continued to help her in those other spaces, but she does still retreat and shrink from and within them. when she went to a classmate's party, she stuck closely to her brother rather than with the other children. at school, she doesn't even look back as she launches into the classroom. but her play still involves her watching from the margins before joining in. her enthusiasm and force hide a child who is shy and reserved in different spaces. it is a set of contradictions that are hard to fathom when you see the bright energetic girl beaming and bouncing with such vigor at home. but her atypicality, hopefully will help her. she continues to dress up and play king, knight, pilot, and fire fighter. while i would be ok with fairy or princess if i had to, i am glad that she chooses active roles and figures to emulate. i hope that this will hold her in good stead as she goes into those vulnerable years of girlhood. so far she seems to have an identity that does not depend on how she looks for self-esteem or seek rewards and attention for her dress, appearance, and beauty. i hope that this continues as it may hold off some of the more damaging gender norms and effects later. i know that this is hard for you folks who want more gender conformation. but i strongly believe from all my years of being in feminist and queer studies that this will, in the long run, help both children be stronger and more capable.

we know a kid in r's class who reminds me of k. she is observant, wears gender-neutral clothes (ie, not girls clothes -- dresses and skirts), and is reserved. she observes the world but is quick to smile. i like her. but i can tell she struggles in a world that demands girls do certain things and dress certain ways. i see a few girls (not exactly tomboys) like k around in the world and i feel close to them as i can see their implicit and explicit struggles with family, peers, and larger norms. i hope they gather strength.

being in san francisco last weekend was such a reminder of the possibilities that can open up when the question of gender can be opened up instead of pinned down. i was thrilled to see queer women holding hands down the street, butch women, transgender youth. there is freedom in being able to imagine a new way. and i see many generations of folks poking and prodding the possibilities.

i remember a song (by dar williams maybe?) that reminds me of my friend erica. the woman sings about riding a bike without her shirt on. and that experience of freedom and self that was lost when she was forced to wear a shirt and be more girl-like. i don't want k to mourn those losses, whether big or small. i have posted the lyrics in the entry below (when i was a boy).

she had a nice chat on the way home from swimming today. she wanted to know why you can turn right on red, but not left. and why certain cars can go and others can't. i started an explanation and she said blithely, "i did not understand you, mom, but that is ok." i then showed her an intersection and just repeated a small part, and the light bulb went on. She excitedly blurted out "i see, you would have an accident, and then have to call 911!" clearly she did her own visual mapping and processing. it was fun!

now it is late and i will have to write about r tomorrow!

When I was a Boy by Dar Williams

"I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.

And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe,
someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.

When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.

And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.

I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."

And now I'm in this clothing store, and the signs say less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat

When I was a boy, See that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in,
they've got implants to remove

But I am not forgetting...that I was a boy too

And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, 'cept when I'm being caught off guard
And I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.

And so I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say, "Now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won"
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you"

frustrated again

sad to say that we came yesterday and found a phone call from r's teacher saying that she had been fired.
we are so disappointed. while not perfect, r really feels close to this teacher and they seem to have a good rapport.
we are unsure of what next year will be like and how this will impact him.
sigh.

finally

r lost his first tooth this morning. the second one is already popping out behind it.
hooray!