almost 5

the summer solstice has come and gone. and another season of growth is visible.

k is chatty, in her own self-description. constantly talking and engaged. so much more confident in many domains -- swimming, conversation, school, and play. it is nice to see her continue to grow in her comfort zones. we are reminded again and again of how different she is within spaces that are familiar and spaces that are not. we have continued to help her in those other spaces, but she does still retreat and shrink from and within them. when she went to a classmate's party, she stuck closely to her brother rather than with the other children. at school, she doesn't even look back as she launches into the classroom. but her play still involves her watching from the margins before joining in. her enthusiasm and force hide a child who is shy and reserved in different spaces. it is a set of contradictions that are hard to fathom when you see the bright energetic girl beaming and bouncing with such vigor at home. but her atypicality, hopefully will help her. she continues to dress up and play king, knight, pilot, and fire fighter. while i would be ok with fairy or princess if i had to, i am glad that she chooses active roles and figures to emulate. i hope that this will hold her in good stead as she goes into those vulnerable years of girlhood. so far she seems to have an identity that does not depend on how she looks for self-esteem or seek rewards and attention for her dress, appearance, and beauty. i hope that this continues as it may hold off some of the more damaging gender norms and effects later. i know that this is hard for you folks who want more gender conformation. but i strongly believe from all my years of being in feminist and queer studies that this will, in the long run, help both children be stronger and more capable.

we know a kid in r's class who reminds me of k. she is observant, wears gender-neutral clothes (ie, not girls clothes -- dresses and skirts), and is reserved. she observes the world but is quick to smile. i like her. but i can tell she struggles in a world that demands girls do certain things and dress certain ways. i see a few girls (not exactly tomboys) like k around in the world and i feel close to them as i can see their implicit and explicit struggles with family, peers, and larger norms. i hope they gather strength.

being in san francisco last weekend was such a reminder of the possibilities that can open up when the question of gender can be opened up instead of pinned down. i was thrilled to see queer women holding hands down the street, butch women, transgender youth. there is freedom in being able to imagine a new way. and i see many generations of folks poking and prodding the possibilities.

i remember a song (by dar williams maybe?) that reminds me of my friend erica. the woman sings about riding a bike without her shirt on. and that experience of freedom and self that was lost when she was forced to wear a shirt and be more girl-like. i don't want k to mourn those losses, whether big or small. i have posted the lyrics in the entry below (when i was a boy).

she had a nice chat on the way home from swimming today. she wanted to know why you can turn right on red, but not left. and why certain cars can go and others can't. i started an explanation and she said blithely, "i did not understand you, mom, but that is ok." i then showed her an intersection and just repeated a small part, and the light bulb went on. She excitedly blurted out "i see, you would have an accident, and then have to call 911!" clearly she did her own visual mapping and processing. it was fun!

now it is late and i will have to write about r tomorrow!